Friday, November 26, 2010

what do I do if I have fallen in love with someone who is married?

When I first looked at this
question, the answer came
immediately to mind: "Forget
about it."
First of all, I think you already
knew that. I really don't think
there is anything that could be
said here, in my answer or the
others, that could be new to
you. If you're going through this,
then you've probably already
come across most of the
thoughts I have to offer.
After that initial answer came to
mind (forget about it) a slew of
questions began flooding in.
Here are a few of them, and
(again) I'm sure you've asked
yourself most of these (or you
just know the answer). I don't
need you to answer these
questions (if I did, I would have
asked a Clarification Question
before answering!), I just want
you to consider them again.
How did this happen?
I see (according to your user
profile) that you are male. Blame
for affairs, relationship problems,
etc. can always be thrown back
and forth between the sexes, but
for MOST situations I tend to
place the blame on the male.
This is how I was raised, and it is
the way I think any responsible,
respectable male should treat his
relationships. So, my next
question is this:
Who's fault is it? Did the lady do
something (or some things) to
"lead you on?" Were you the
pursuer? Did you see her and
decide right away, "I've got to
have that woman" or did it
happen through the proliferation
of a prior relationship
(something less involved, like a
mere work acquaintance or
However, after all of these
questions quit swirling around in
my head, and the dust settled, I
realized that only one answer
remained: "Forget about it."
If you go back and read ANY of
my previous answers to
questions related to marriage,
family or sex, you will see that I
have a very idealistic and moral
view of these topics, which I am
prepared to defend with as
much logic as you would like.
SO, what I'm getting at is this:
Marriage is something
fundamentally unquestionable.
The lady is married. Forget about
it. Forget about her.
You need to change the way you
look at this woman. In your mind
and heart you need to establish
that she is UNAVAILABLE. For
instance, when you go to the
store and you are shopping, you
can easily see what items in the
store are for sale (available for
purchase). These items are
clearly marked and if you take
them to the checkout counter,
you can purchase them through
the proper channels and
procedures. I like this analogy
for two reasons - first of all (and
this one was accidental - I hadn't
realized it until just now) stealing
the item (skipping the proper
procedures) is like premarital
sex, which some people agree
with, but in my moral scenario it
is wrong. Secondly, in this store,
you are only able to buy things
that are FOR SALE; you cannot
simply grab anything that looks
nice and take it (like, the cash
I hope you don't disregard my
answer on the simple basis that I
am presenting a moral
argument. The fact is this: If you
pursue this woman, you are
putting yourself in a position to
ruin your life, her life, her
husband's life, and (if she's got
them) her children's life as well.
You will ruin her husband's life
very obviously - they got married
because (at one point or
another) they were in love and
they wanted to spend the rest of
their life together. Nobody plans
the disaster of divorce. It's just
not part of the plan. Second of
all, her life will be ruined - she
will have abandoned one man in
favor of another, thus
condemning herself to a life of
uncertainty ("If the first one was
wrong, who says THIS one is the
right one?"). I don't even have to
mention the children.
Last of all, your life will be a
mess of ruin as well. You may
not think so, but going after
what you want at all costs, and
without regard for what is "right"
can often be self-degrading,
leading to your own misery.
Let's consider, for a moment,
that you succeed. The woman
leaves her husband and runs off
with you. Maybe you get
married, maybe you don't. First
of all, NOT getting married
would be a mistake - she already
left one man for a better model
(maybe not, I'm making unfair
assumptions). Whereas with no
marriage contract, you have no
guarantee that she won't leave
you too...
Oh wait, the marriage contract
obviously wasn't enough to keep
her with the first guy, right? So in
reality, marrying her or not
marrying her won't make a
difference. Your relationship with
her will be superficial and highly
unlikely to succeed based simply
on the fact that she made a
choice to marry one man, then
she broke her promise to be
with you.
So my point here is this: you will
not be happy trying to be with a
woman who can't possibly
commit to the relationship. I do
not know enough about the
situation to tell you what she
truly thinks or feels right now.
She may be in love with you, she
may not. I'm saying that it
doesn't matter. In the end, she
will eventually leave you, even if
not physically. In your own mind
you will live with the ever
present knowledge that she
already left one man, what's to
keep her from leaving you?
You'll always have to worry
about any man who gets near
her in the way you did when you
took her from her first husband.
Your paranoia will drive you to
be a controlling husband, which
will cause her to be unhappy.
Even if this does not lead to a
physical separation between the
two of you, you will never be as
happy as you could be if you
would simply forget about her
now and find your own wife
rather than trying to take
somebody else's.
Remember this, the married
people traditionally wear a
wedding band or ring to remind
themselves and show others that
they are no longer available. By
allowing yourself to be attracted
to a woman who is married (and,
yes, initial attraction may not be
a choice - some people are
simply attractive, but entertaining
the idea of pursuing a
relationship with a married
person IS a choice), you have set
yourself up to fail. There are
PLENTY of beautiful, attractive
women out there who you can
fall in love with and live a
wonderful, happy life with,
without worrying about their
level of commitment and without
ruining any lives.
Happy hunting. If you need help
forgetting about this woman,
who is obviously quite attractive
and desirable (she's married, so
at least ONE other person
besides you wanted her),
perhaps you could take a
vacation, or go to some new
places you've never been before
to try to meet women. Once you
see a few more attractive faces
and begin to entertain thoughts
about pursuing a meaningful
relationship with them, forgetting
about this married woman will
only be a matter of time. Some
wounds, only time can heal.
Sources: Me
throwstuffintoilets 37 months
Answer from KatyDidIt
8 of 10 people found this helpful
Walk away's the "honorable"
thing to do.
Sources: my opinion
KatyDidIt 37 months ago
Answer from ChicagoTRS
8 of 9 people found this helpful
Stop being in love with them!
Do not be a homewrecker!
Look elsewhere...there are plenty
of women in the sea who are
not married. I will tell you right
now if your love is cheating on
her husband with you if she
marries you she will eventually
also cheat on you. You are going
to be the one who is cheated on
and believe me it will not feel
too good. Once a cheater always
a cheater. In fact if she leaves
her husband there is a good
chance your relationship with
her will not last very long. As
most affairs end 3-6 months
after the end of the marriage.
Why don't you go to the below
website and read how affairs
destroy families...destroy peoples about some of the
You may not like my answer but
I am just being honest and I
would tell you NEVER to see this
woman again.

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